


Roller-coaster

by SunshineReiji



Series: A drop in the ocean [1]
Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Ranmaru is a Teddy Bear, Reiji deserves better, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, reiji needs a hug, seriously someone hug that guy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 15:30:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16411112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunshineReiji/pseuds/SunshineReiji
Summary: Reiji Kotobuki was a very cheerful idol, always smiling, always goofing around. He was all sunshine and happiness.However, everyone has their limits, and Reiji might have just as well reached his.Fortunately, someone is still there for him, so perhaps, just perhaps, all is not lost.





	Roller-coaster

Reiji Kotobuki was a generally cheerful, funny, happy person.  
At least, that was the persona he was trying to pull out so hard. A trained smile graced his face each day, however it seldomly reached his light brown eyes. He tried though, tried so hard everyday to make everyone happy and feel good about themselves.  
It made him feel a bit better too.  
It didn’t matter that everyone rejected him for it. 

He liked to think of Quartet Night as his family and, being the eldest, he enjoyed taking care of them. His own mother helped him a lot with that, as she would provide him with her amazing bentos for everyone to share.  
Reiji hated lying to his mother. She was the sweetest person on Earth, always asking him if everything was fine, if he or any of his friends needed anything, hugging him and kissing his forehead. And each time Reiji’s heart shattered a bit more. That’s why he always lied to her, because if she knew...  
Reiji closed his eyes She would not know. Not now, nor ever.

There were seven people that really mattered in Reiji’s heart : his mother, his fellow Quartet Night peers, his two kouhais and his best friend. 

When Quartet Night was born, Reiji felt he had received some sort of divine mission : befriend those people. The mission proved itself to be far more complicated than he originally thought. The three other members were just so cold and so distant.  
He passed out as the clown of the group. Always cheerful, always goofing around in his over-exaggerated manners.  
Camus - or Myu-chan as Reiji preferred to call him - was probably the most distant. The Count of the Silk Palace was, of course, above Reiji’s « peasant manners ». Of course again, Reiji would not abandon his quest so easily, and so he showered Myu-chan with sweets and biscuits and tea with an unhealthy amount of sugar. Reiji only hoped that their relationship had improved because of that. At least, he liked to believe so.  
He never interacted so much with Myu-chan as when he had to separate him from Ranran, when a fight yet again broke out between them. Ranmaru was distant too, but in a different manner. He either napped or argued with Myu-chan. Although Ranran would never admit it, Reiji knew that behind the ruthless persona, Ranran was very kind-hearted and caring. He took care of stray cats after all.  
Reiji had some trouble being around Ai. He felt sick because of that, because Ai did not deserve his rejection, because Ai was Ai ; and Aine was Aine. Although similar, Aine was more... human. He was Reiji’s best friend, he was the one who really mattered and yet Reiji was here and Aine in a hospital bed and everything was just so wrong because this is not what should have happened because because because...  
Reiji grabbed his hair and pulled, breathing hard. He was trembling, his heart pounding too hard and it was just too much, too much, too much.  
He let go of his hair and played with the sand. Think, he had to think.  
His two kouhais. He had to think of his two kouhais.  
Otoya was a bit similar to him. Always cheerful, always bright, always shining. Reiji was not fooled, though. He noticed Otoya’s sadness, sometimes. It would not last long, just a little second, one moment during which his smile that could lighten an entire room would fall, his eyelids would seem a bit heavier, his eyes would become a bit darker, his entire body a bit more slumped. But then he’d come back to his usual self and everything would be fine because how could it not ?  
Usually, Otoyan got better around Tokiya. They had that complicity, that understanding of each other’s needs that Reiji could but envy.  
Tokiya... the elder still wasn’t sure that the bluenette appreciated him. Supported, perhaps. But appreciate ? Reiji appreciated Tokiya, for what he went through and whom he grew up to be. Reiji just wanted to cheer him up, but all he ever got was cold stares. 

Cold and distance.  
No one really appreciated him.  
They only thought of him as the annoying clown.  
Cold and distance.  
So that was it.

Reiji wanted to cry.

He felt tears blurring his vision. Quickly, he clenched his jaw and brought his hands to his eyes. No, he could not. He could not, not here, not now, not when so many people counted on him but why oh why did his breath become so laboured and he couldn’t concentrate because no one really counted on him because no one really appreciated him because Aine was the only one to do so and now Reiji couldn’t even appreciate himself.  
Sitting on this beach, next to this ocean, he was panicking and he couldn’t for the love of God calm down. He was chocking on his lies, on the lump in his throat, on his stupid persona, on his suppressed sobs and he just _couldn’t_ , _he couldn’t_ , he came to the sick realisation that even though he tried, he tried so hard he swore, _he couldn’t do this anymore_.

He wanted to go numb.  
Cold water numbs.

He didn’t even know when the water reached his knees.  
He looked down as the waves came crashing against his legs. The water seemed to embrace him.  
Cold, and yet welcoming.  
Was this how Aine felt ?  
Did he feel like this before or after the call ?  
Should Reiji call someone ?  
But whom ?

He looked behind. His phone was lying next to his hat.  
He smirked.  
So this was what he left behind. A phone, a hat and a green car.

He looked in front of him. The ocean stretched beyond the horizon. There was a smoothing atmosphere, the cold didn’t reach his body anymore.  
He fell forward.  
Water filled him, salt burnt his lump, tears joined the ocean.  
Reiji would have laughed if he could, but he couldn’t even scream his life away.

Just as he was about to lose consciousness, he felt strong arms grab his jacket.  
As he was pulled out of his salvation, Reiji wanted to scream at the stranger to let him go, that they had no right to keep him in suffering any longer but all he did was choke on the water and on the lies and on the hopelessness.

« Reiji ! Reiji ! »

What ?  
He thought he had misheard, but now, the man in front of him was indeed...

« Ran-...? »

His voice trailed off and he coughed up a bit more water. Everything burnt and hurt and he just wanted to sleep. He closed his eyes again, but Ranmaru shook him awake.

« Oi, Reiji, don’t fall asleep now you idiot ! »

The elder only groaned in response.

« For fuck’s sake Reiji, don’t be an arse please. »

« Lea... me... ‘lone... » was all the brunet managed.

« Like hell I will. » Ranmaru muttered.

Reiji was trembling way too much. His teeth were chattering, he was lying on the sand, curled up, way too frail.  
Ranmaru sighed and put his leather jacket on the fellow singer. He put Reiji’s hat on and his phone in his own pocket, then proceeded to carry Reiji bridal style to the green car. 

« Ran... whe-we-goin’...? »

« I’m taking you home. »

« Oh... ‘k... » Reiji muttered, closing his eyes once again.

« Oi, Kotobuki, don’t fall asleep ! » Ranmaru commanded.

Reiji just puffed.

« Sorry... can’do ‘nythin’ right... failed ‘veryone... ‘rry Aine... next time ? »

And with that Reiji was lost to the world.

Muttering « shit shit shit », the white-haired man walked as fast as he could, grabbed Reiji’s keys and tried to drive as safely as he could towards home, praying that his friend would be fine.  
But for fuck’s sake, why did Reiji try to drown himself ?

Reiji woke up to warmth and the smell of pine. He was lying on his stomach, face turned towards a metallic grey side table. Frowning, he slowly turned on his back and rose, however reluctantly, in a sitting position.  
He was not in his room, that was for sure, but he was not in a hospital room either. This room was in different shades of grey, with some black and red spots. Combined to the ambient smell of pine, Reiji guessed he was in Ranran’s room.  
He slept in his bed.  
Reiji couldn’t help but blush at the thought.  
Looking at his body, he noticed he was not in his old clothes anymore. Instead he was wearing a brown pull-over and a pair of black joggings which bore Ranran’s scent. Pine. Reiji smiled in delight, grabbed his collar and brought it to his nose, breathing in. His blush intensified.  
Suddenly, a thought struck him.  
He did not remember changing.  
Meaning that what happened... Did it really ?  
Why else would he be in Ranran’s room wearing Ranran’s clothes ?  
He pulled his hair again.  
Ranran knew what he tried to do.  
And if he was changed... There was a probability Ranran was the one to do so...  
Meaning he not only saw Reiji naked, but he saw all the scars lacerating his body.  
Oh God no.  
Hell no.  
Shit no.  
_Fuck_ no.  
Reiji groaned in frustration. This was wrong, this was very, very, very wrong.

« So, you’re awake ? »

Reiji jumped in surprise. Ranran was casually leaning against the threshold, his heterochromatic gaze penetrating Reiji’s very soul.

« Oh, hello Ranran ! » the brunet exclaimed, his usual smile automatically drawn on his face.

Ranran grunted.

« C’mon, I made you breakfast. »

« Aww ~ Ranran, you’re so kind ! »

Maybe if he acted as his usual self, the white-haired man would let him go with no explanation.  
It was a foolish hope, but he clung onto it.

Ranran had made crepes. Reiji loved crepes. Especially for breakfast. Sweet, soft, yummy, sugary crepes for breakfast.  
Reiji and Ranran ate in silence, a silence the eldest comforted himself in. At least he didn’t have to talk, didn’t have to explain, he could keep everything to himself, like he always used to, and everything would be as before and...

« Reiji, I’m talking to you. »

The brunet came back to reality and blinked at his fri- his colleague. Yes, yes, his colleague. Reiji had only one friend, and he was lost to the sea.

« Oh, sorry Ranran ! What were you saying ? »

Ranran was frowning, his gaze scanning Reiji. The latter swallowed a bit.

« You barely ate your first crepe. »

Reiji looked down at his plate and his stomach twisted. He felt nausea rising. Barely half of the meal was eaten.

« Oh, yes, sorry... hehe. » Reiji rubbed the back of his neck. « It’s really good, though ! Don’t worry, your cooking skills are great ; although not as good as mine ! » He winked.

Ranran merely raised an eyebrow. Reiji couldn’t look at him in the eye anymore. He looked at his hands twisting his joggings.

« I’m feeling a bit nauseous, Ranran, that’s all. »

He tried to smile, tried to look at his colleague, tried to get rid of the lump in his throat, tried, tried, tried, tried, tried, tried...  
Automatically, he started pulling his hair again, and for a second he thought he should stop, else all of his hair would fall off.  
Two strong hands gripped his wrists and, gently, brought them to the table. Reiji kept his eyes on his hands. Then, one of the younger’s hands came under his chin and lifted the brunet’s head. Their faces were but a few inches apart and Reiji could feel Ranmaru’s breath, so close.

« We need to talk. » was all the younger idol muttered.

Reiji gulped loudly.

Ranmaru was visibly angry. This was not good.  
Still holding one of his wrists, he brought Reiji to the sofa and sat him there. Instinctively, the brunet grabbed one pillow and curled his whole self on it. Ranran sat next to him, but turned to face him.

« So, what happened yesterday ? »

Reiji let out an ironic laugh. He played with a corner of the pillow to distract himself. What happened ? He chocked on his entire fake persona and crumbled under the pressure of it all, that’s what happened yesterday. He couldn’t bear it anymore, and yet he had to, because he was Reiji Kotobuki, because he couldn’t be sad, because he had to fool around, because that’s all he was good for, because nothing else he did mattered, because he did not deserve anything else than rejection and loneliness, because he failed the only person that mattered and now he was alone with the guilt and the lies and the false and everything was a gigantic shitstorm.

« Reiji, talk to me. »

Reiji looked at him and saw Ranran’s worried gaze before he felt his own wet cheeks.  
Worried ? Since when Ranran worried ? Especially about him ?  
Reiji sniffed, but smiled through his tears, because this was what was expected from him.

« I owe you no explanation Ranran. »

And, if he were honest to himself, Reiji would have sworn he never saw anything as terrifying as the mixture of rage, worry and disbelief that was displayed on Ranran’s face right now.

« What the fuck Kotobuki. »

Oh, ‘Kotobuki’, not good at all.  
Ranmaru rose to his feet and overlooked Reiji. The brunet’s heart skipped a beat and he buried his head in the pillow.

« No, no, no, none of that Kotobuki, stop fucking hiding. »

He grabbed Reiji’s shoulders and straightened him, which caused the latter to gasp.

« Ranran... » he sighed.

« No, for fu-... Ugh, Kotobuki, do you even realise what you’ve done ? How can you just dismiss me by saying that you ‘owe me no explanation’ ? »

Reiji knew all of that. He knew what he had _tried_ to do, he didn’t need Ranmaru to remind him what he _tried_ and what he _failed_ to do.

« Ranmaru, _please_... »

« You could’ve died, dammit ! Died ! And then what, eh ? How could you be such a hypocrite ? How could you be so selfish ? »

« _Kurosaki_. »

Ranmaru shut up.  
Tears were streaming down Reiji’s face. He gritted his teeth, trying to contain everything everything inside. He closed his eyes, breathed in and opened them again, trying to smile as best as he could.

« I-it’s o-okay... okay now, Ranran. » he forced his smile to be wider. « It’s fine, I am okay, it’s all right, I had a little... a little... » he felt his voice cracking, so he swallowed and began again. « But I’ll be okay now, thank you Ranran, for everything ; but now I can manage, I can do it, I c- »

His voice trailed off and new tears burnt his eyes. He bit his lower lip, closed his eyes and breathed hard.

« Reiji... » Ranran’s concerned voice resonated.

And Reiji broke. Now and there, he broke. A sob wrecked his entire body forward and his face collided with the pillow. He pulled his hair and sobbed and screamed his pain away.

« I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I tried... I... I tried... tried so hard- Ran- please believe me... I tried, tried, but I can’t and I keep trying but I can’t... » he cried.

He couldn’t breathe anymore because everything was so wrong and he couldn’t try anymore, he couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t.  
Strong arms wrapped around him and rocked him gently. Reiji melted in the embrace and sobbed harder and harder. He sobbed until he wanted to throw up, until no energy was left within him, until he went limp in Ranran’s arms.  
Ranmaru lifted Reiji’s head just a bit, so that he could remove the hair from his face. The brunet looked at him with his sleepy eyes still swimming in tears, but a genuine smile of relief on his face.

« You needed a good cry, didn’t you, Rei ? Ranran whispered.

Reiji chuckled lightly, but it was _Reiji’s_ laugh, and that was enough for Ranmaru. 

« Yeah, I guess... » the eldest mumbled.

Ranmaru stroked Reiji’s cheek, then carried him to his bedroom. He put his friend on the bed, but the latter refused to let him go. The brunet opened his eyes and looked at Ranmaru, worried.

« Ranran, you care about me... right ? »

Something in the younger man snapped. He climbed atop of Reiji, cupped his face with his hands and stared straight in his eyes, grey and pink against light-brown.

« You’re an idiot, you know that ? Of course I care, we all care, we may not show it like you do, but we care. Fuck, when I saw you in that water, I... »

« I’m sorry Ranran... »

The youngest only shook his head.

« No, no, just... »

And with that, Ranmaru kissed Reiji’s forehead.

« Talk to me, please. »

Reiji let his body talk.  
He rose just enough to kiss Ranmaru’s lips.  
And Ranmaru deepened it.  
And Reiji never blushed so hard in his life.

« You stupid, stupid man... » Ranran whispered as they pulled apart.

Reiji chuckled more strongly now. Ranran kissed his cheek.

« This does not mean you aren’t getting the talk, Rei. » Ranran said, his voice a bit more firm.

Reiji’s smile fell and he looked very ashamed.

« Ranran... I’m really, so, so, so sorry... » he said, looking at his hands.

« Reiji, hey, stop. Stop apologising. I am not blaming you. I... I just want to understand, at least try to. »

The brunet pursed his lips. He took a deep breath.

« I... I was always left a bit alone by everyone, because I’d always be considered an idiot. » He began, chuckling bitterly. « You know, when you always goof around, not many people take you seriously, they see you more as an ambient distraction than anything else.  
Aine... Aine was... different. He actually _stayed_ with me, you know ? I had a friend, a best friend. We’d always be together, always supporting each other, we’d have sleep-overs, all-nighters during which we described each other our dreams, we planned an entire lifetime together. »

Reiji started to cry again, but he did not seem aware of it, lost in his memories. Ranmaru didn’t want to disturb the flow of words, because Reiji needed to let it all out.  
And Ranmaru needed to know.

« All it took was inattention. A bit of neglect. Now I look back and wonder how I did not see how his smile did not reach his eyes, how his whole body seemed to fall under the weight of stress, how he would try to appear fine in front of the others. A missed call. A missed call and I lost it all. »

Ranmaru couldn’t help but see in Reiji’s description as much of Aine as of Reiji himself.  
A missed call...

« I wasn’t there for him. I lost my best friend because I didn’t answer my stupid phone. And he tried to kill himself in that fucking ocean. Drowned, drowned for the hell of it. »

Reiji clenched his fists.

« And everyone blamed me, and rightfully so, because I was the closest, I was the last one he called and _I wasn’t here_. I failed my best friend and now he’s in a _coma_ in a _hospital_ for _years_ and... and... and... »

His voice trailed off and Ranmaru didn’t know what to do. As he was about to move to him to offer physical comfort, Reiji began again.

« Out of rage, I punched the mirror in my bathroom. Mum understood, she understood my anger. But I felt something more. A sick satisfaction when I saw my blood pour out of my fist. So I did it again. I felt cleaner, purer, as if the guilt left me together with my blood. I’d cut my upper-arms, my stomach, my hips, my thighs... Well, you saw them, you know. »

He took a pillow again and curled up on it.

« It becomes quite addictive. Sometimes I’d cut too deep. I tried to stop, though. I tried, I really did, but... »

It was too much, way too much for Ranmaru. He launched himself at the older boy and embraced him tightly.

« You’re okay, you’re all right, I love you, you are doing great, you are amazing, I love you and your smiles and your goofiness and you are doing enough. »

Reiji brought a hand to his mouth to try to stop his sobs. He nestled against Ranmaru’s torso and let himself be rocked by him.  
They stayed like this for God knows how long, Ranmaru repeating his mantra of « I love you »’s and Reiji desperately trying to calm himself down. Finally, Reiji fell asleep in the younger boy’s arms.  
Ranmaru gently lifted him and exchanged the pull-over for a t-shirt, then positioned the brunet in a better sleeping position on the bed. He lied down next to him and softly, as to not wake him up, he played with his hair, rubbed his back and occasionally kissed the scars on his forearms.

He promised himself, that beautiful and sunny day, that he would heal Reiji no matter what.

Perhaps a family trip to an amusement park would be a nice start ?

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise for any mistake, English is not my native language and well...  
> It's not great, but oh well I wanted to share :D
> 
> Thanks to my Ranran for proof-reading it ;; 
> 
> Have a very nice day ~~~


End file.
